It might just be my PMS, but thoughts have been skipping through my mind every so often.

I have so much I want to express on my blog, but I'm afraid it will affect relationships. My relationships. With other people. I'm sure, if you're a blogger, this same principle applies to you too. However, I have every right to blog about anything and I quote Jude/Muthusamy, "I use my blog as a venting outlet."

Here goes.

You know, when people call me loser or pathetic idiot or big boobs, it's not like it's not true. And it's not like, I don't know or see their point. It's like, saying the most obvious. Like, a man walking down a road and he sees a dog. The man points out to the dog and shouts, "Oh my God! You dog!" Hi? It is le obvious.

If it's so obvious, why say it?

Do you ever find it annoying or displeasing when you help a friend in need, and they don't help you back the same way? Or, let's be a little more specific. Do you ever find it annoying or displeasing when you treat someone with respect and compassion, but that person doesn't do the same for you? I guess, there's nothing really wrong with that. But I believe that it's only right to do so. If someone treats you so nicely and willingly because they care, shouldn't you pay it forward or do the same in return?

Doesn't one good deed deserve another? Or is that just a false proverb, made up by some drunk man who was helped on the streets, by a rich young man.

Sometimes I really think I don't deserve what I have. I don't deserve to be studying overseas. My grades have dropped dramatically, and my dad is always using 'school' as an excuse to give me any money for miscellaneous items. I don't deserve my grandparents, who love me so much without condition, yet I don't communicate the same love towards them. I don't deserve my friends and their company. The don't deserve my friends. The yetpet. They're just such great people, yet I'm always the one being pissy about things (even after my period >_>); I'm always the one who accidentally hurts someone; I'm always the one nagging and complaining (only because I'm used to right and not wrong); I'm the different one, who doesn't really fit in. And I can't change. I can't change just like that. I'm going to be like this, and that's that.

Sometimes, I wonder if I deserve life. Did I deserve to be on Earth? Living and breathing on this planet. In this world. I may sound incredibly emotional, but it's true. I really do wonder these things. Sometimes I imagine myself falling off an incredibly high-storey building, and without a block in my way. Falling, falling. There's no stop there. Just falling. And before I hit the ground, all my wonders, questions and thoughts are answered.

But on a smaller scale, I like to think of the fall as the travel from the top of my bed to the floor. It's just faster and quicker.

I'm such a sadistic person. All I want to do is think about killing and murder and death and pain. No, I am not a sado masochistic person. Not at all! I promise :)

Ah, maybe all of this, really is due to my period. Damn it, if it is, I want my period to come and go. If you want to criticize me, don't blame it on my period. It really could be the thoughts that have been running through my mind during the past few days.

I really should get my shower and get back to studying. School Cert in 4 days.

it's just another phase that i'll go through

Cheers.